Not so white

 

can i have a Heineken?

i’d always love celebrating Christmas since i was young but im no from a Christian family. usually, my house never had a big and nice christmas tree, we never had turkey for christmas in our life and there’s no exchanging gifts with one another or even my mum disguising herself as a santa, giving out gifts. but i bet that’s not the main reason why christmas was celebrated.

when i was really young (no ability to go out by myself) christmas to me is like any other normal days. we either spent it at home like usual or just carry on with our usual routine. there’s nothing so special to me about it. but i remembered my mum telling me how much she wants to spend her christmas in some other cold weather countries which provides countless snows and how much she wants to dress up in those really warm winter wears. unfortunately, till now none of it came true. 

frankly, i don’t really fancy those. but i believe one day, we will all have a chance to experience white christmas and wear those comfy yet warm winter wears. as i grew up more, christmas became really important in my life. to me, its not supposed to be celebrated like how many of you did. usually, the youngsters go around the town for countdown celebration and also some snow spray. quite absurd, why must you go 10, 9, 8 and all for christmas? that’s how my christmas went last year. well, i don’t quite agree with that kind of celebration. somehow, i had fun. but for christmas this year i decided to something that makes me feel happy and worthwhile. i will be over at my grandma’s place for some family love. damn, this is what im lack of if you happened to know about the wonderful tale of my family.  

somehow, this christmas thing is quite subjective. please carry on with your own celebration, most important the way that makes you feel most happy.

Merry Christmas =)

 

Tomorrow

 

you know, at first i thought i’d be less dramatic by not telling everyone the 2012 that i said will be happening is actually happening tomorrow ! i thought im able to control the drama queen in me, i thought im able to be as calm as possible, i thought im able to keep that cheerful smile. eventually, i failed.

i spent the last two days sleeping, eating and more sleeps. at one point, i am hiding myself from the reality i have to face real soon. i’d lie if i said im so well-prepared for the bad results. i’d lie if i said i don’t want the 5As.  i always have this scared feeling whenever its one day before the results. in  short, i really kiasu. i remembered when i was in std 6, i spent the whole night doing  nothing on the bed while waiting for morning to come so that i’d rush to school for the upsr results. i was sobbing quite loud when i only got 4As.

then 3years back, before pmr results was out i already freaked myself out like 2839723 times. the night before was sweet, literally. the ex boyfriend sang me songs and asked me not to worry too much. at that time, i wasn’t really that happy because our status were a bit confusing. it might be friends or still couple. that was the painful relationship that i never fail to talk about it over and over again. because until now i still care. in the end, i strike ! i’ve got that 7As i had been longing for. when i was that young, i have this mind set that whenever i get good grades i get to buy something new ! 7As to me is really big and important !

beginning of this year, it was my final public examination i thought. i no longer have to bear with such tense situations anymore. but i was wrong because the feelings im having now is so many times stronger than spm. that night was awful. i remembered i couldn’t stop crying and crying, thinking about the worst situations that might happened the next day. spm was different because i was doing real bad when i was in school. to be frank, i wasn’t really happy with the spm results because i felt like i have been defeated. getting 8As only satisfies me but it’s never going to be make me feel happy or/and proud. in fact, i was ashamed of it (it explains why i never tell u my actual results)

from that, i told myself to be strong and do well in college. as for now, im really worried, tense, unhappy and scared because i know i have not been doing well for exams.  im having this really kiasu nerdy feeling in me. sam is tough! its not only me whom had been complaining even the counselor i met in taylors last week. she was the same counselor i met last year, in pwtc when my mum and i went around looking for colleges. at that time, she only told me i think you can do sam. last week when i met her again at the beautifully built lakeside campus, she actually told me that sam is tough isn’t it? at first, i got really annoyed because she never sends me any alert signals before this. but thinking back to it, she was doing part of her job – to promote taylors and the programmes they offer. how can she actually criticise about sam right? whats more? it was me who insisted to take sam !

actually im trying real hard to keep myself at a really low profile of the results. im avoiding to facebook, to read blogs of people who take sam like i do, to stop being appear offline on msn so that i don’t read their personal messages. i know, everyone out there is like me. they are as worried, as scared, as negative, as pessimist like me ! as we are stepping into this 21st century, everyone around us became so kiasu ! talking about kiasu, i used to treat one of my high school mate really badly because i actually think that she’s so damn kiasu. a few of us did the really childish i dont want to friend you thing ! but later on when i grew up more and more each day, i got to know that everyone is the same – kiasu especially in studies !  yes, even those who actually boycotted that girl few years back. i wonder if they do realised that we are all the same kind of kiasu species. im sorry.

at first, i wanted to talk about the getaway last week and bombard you guys with happy and smiley pictures but something more important blew that thought away. last night, i was already editing and uploading those pictures onto the blog. as it was really slow, i happily logged into facebook. there was where every unhappy things happened. SAM of Taylors is being smart as they actually have a facebook acc. i got to know about it during coroborre last month. i happily added them as i thought it’d be fun but i’ve never thought that the one who actually breaks the unhappy news is not every other mates but FACEBOOK ! even Harry did his best to hide the release date from me last night. he knew that i’d be really unhappy and upset about it. true enough, after i got to know about it my happy mood meter dropped tremendously, nearly some negative numbers popped out.

but i guess, i’d be big enough to handle emotional issues like this. i’d be big enough to check the results myself tomorrow. i’d be big enough to face failures. i have been reading this 21 year old girl’s blog for quite some time. she is a really good and famous blogger and i’d wish to have the life she’s having now when im 21. not all but literally. there was once where i saw her writing bloggers should actually avoid long and emo posts. i think its quite true. 

last emo post of the year, i promise.

woi ! those are not fats, its the belt which is attached to the shorts!

On a break

 

 

 

 

its been really long ever since i last packed up my clothes in a really huge luggage for a short trip. as i remember, the last time was chinese new year in february/january. since college started in march, i have not been on a relaxing yet happy vacation. i seldom find myself so happy during college like the previous years i was. among all the other years, this is the year where i go back to penang the least, i read magazine the least, i do things i like the least. i guess the busy college life had really occupied me a lot not to mention i only spent very little time with the family, relatives and friends. this time, i will be going on a trip with my mates. this final trip marks the end of nostalgic memories in college, subang. When im back again, i will have to wait happily for the sace results.

 have a nice weekend =)

I will be back with more funny stories to tell, so dont miss me :p

We were so happy

 

i took quite a long time to write this post. i thought of deleting the whole thing and rewrite but thinking further i guess i don’t have the time as i will be going on a trip real soon. for the moment, bear with this nonsense that i wrote earlier. i was browsing through photos of me on facebook and it brought me lots of overdue memories. i still remember how tough was it last year to actually plan and organize a school prom without most of the supports from school, teachers and friends. but we did made it to prom with lots of extra hard works done by the committee members. we were at one point begging others for money to support the prom (and they said they got no money, family facing economy crisis and stuffs tapi still got money to buy things from expensive shops) , to pay the expensive hotel booking, to decorate the ballroom, to prepare gifts for Prom King and Queen and also to pay the awesome band – FREQUENCY CANNON ! In the end, some people walked in on the last day of the prom to help out with decorations and stuffs and got all the credits that  doesn’t belong to them. i guess humans are all like that. but still credits to those who did most of the hard works =)

this year’s prom was different, very much different. im nothing like the Coroborre committee, theres nothing to worry about the prom. all i did was just buying the RM120 ticket and wait with much anticipation for prom. i reckon i was prepared for prom with new pink+violet long dress, make up and some hairdo. it was much much fun especially with more fun people and having all of us dressed up so well for the prom. it all started with photos session at the hotel’s lobby then in front of the grand ballroom where awful cocktails were served. we were all busy snapping photos in our best dresses and suits, running here and there for toilet rounds and observing each and everyone whom passed by us, complimenting most of their dresses, dinner bags, make ups and hairdo’s.

that night’s dinner was like any of the other wedding dinners where you have a few speeches to listen, some performances to keep you happy and awesome food to stop you from feeling famished. then Taylors was being really thoughtful that they made a SAM 2009 video and showed it to us, recalling everyone’s memories. it was all the happy moments we had shared in subang. i couldn’t help but to really feel uncomfortable at that moment. i recalled how dumb i was to stand in front of the mph on my very first day of college, knowing almost no one in there (im glad jiayuin came along with Cassie to pay me a visit), my first time going into the library, exploring the silent zone (which i spent most of my free time there studying or sleeping). everything felt like all the sam students went on a starcruise for 8 months and now we had to go down with our own produced passports (sam results which will be out before Christmas) to the destinations we were heading for before boarding 8 months ago. i have this feeling that Christmas will be here soon. in fact, thats the truth when i saw all the little decorations all over the place, radio playing various christmas songs and people rushing all over to buy the perfect gifts and their christmas dresses. im supposed to be happy that my favourite season is here but im just not for i am waiting for something as huge as 2012 to happen in my life.

 

at times, when i was so free, almost logging into facebook for the 100th of times, i’d missed those days when we were all so emotionally drained out, sitting and starring in front of the computer in the library due to the stressful assignments, we were all busy fitting ourselves in the library studying for our tests and exams, we were at Take A Break rushing through our lab reports, we were celebrating almost about everything just for the sake of it. we were happy, weren’t we?   

 

 

the happy times, now where ?

All the right moves

as usual, we are all so indulged with happy and free lifestyle that most of the time we forgot to do things that we’re supposed to. perhaps, we never forgot but there are just some reasons we gave ourselves for not doing it. we often take things and people for granted. recently, some small problems occured in my family. these problems had been there for a very long time, its just that we deny, deny and deny, and tried so hard to take his decision as a joke. a life time joke i supposed. but i, an eighteen year old girl only play a small role in the family that im not capable of doing anything or maybe change his decision. after all, i felt so disappointed with him and with everyone.

few days back, i was having a big fight with Harry. i just finished my moral edu that day. i wanted to just go home and catch up with some sleep since i had a long night before that. it was prom, mos, sleep for a few hours then classes. He insisted that he wanted to watch 2012 and followed me into the car. i got angry and started scolding him like a machine gun. he was cool, he pretended like nothing happened and just on the radio, adjusting the volume to almost maximum. i hate it when he ignores me while i was trying to tell him how annoyed i was. so, i just go on and on with my own stories while he listens to his boys like girls + taylor swift. i got more annoyed and stopped, asked him to get down from the car. after more machine gun moments, he went down. i then drove home in the midst of anger. i got more angry when the cell phone didnt ring, thinking that he just didnt care anymore. so, i went out and looked for him. i went to the place i dropped him off, and many other places we had been but to no avail. Then i found out that he left his mobile phone in my car and that was when i got worried and really worried about him. knowing that he’s just as soft as a sheep, some devils might come and get him away. my mind started to wonder about all the possible things that might just happen. I was hoping that nothing happened to him, and that the sucky history does not repeats itself. ( the one that i shed buckets of tears )

at that time, i realised he became so important in my life. i searched everywhere for him. finally, i found him at one of these places which we shared most of our happy and sweet memories. at the first glance of him from few metres away, my tears almost rolled down but it didnt. at that time, all i wanted to do is to just give him a big hug and apologize for everything i said in the car. i walked slowly, approaching him. i was slower than a tortoise. it made me felt like i have lost all my energy and used up two of my lives (like the video game) searching for him here and there. i was relieved when he walked down to me and just hugged me with a big mineral bottle in his right hand and an ice-blended latte in his left. i can probably smell his familiar scent, his sweat (nothing like calvin klien) and the tears he almost gave me. i felt nothing but – relieved. i regretted for shooting him like a machine gun, i really do. we are all fine now and still kicking like nobody’s business. i got annoyed the other day when i got to know that my close friends dislike him. but no worries, we are pretty cool about that.

i was ashamed of myself for being like a mad woman the other day. it was like those mad women you guys always see in the hypermarket, comparing prices about the products and started scolding their children loudly, making them look so unhappy and grumpy when they store some of the unhealthy food in the trolley. i was like one of the mad woman and he was like the unhappy and grumpy children. on that night itself, when everyone was asleep i thought of so many things that happened throughout this year and many years back. this year is really a tough one for me especially after enrolling myself into the express intake of sam. i dont know how but i did survived and finished it with some sort of happy and sad feelings. meeting him halfway through sam is a gift from God or perhaps i should say a really wonderful birthday gift from the coll mates who until now still deny what they did. (that was when we first started smsing and all) thinking of it, so many things had happened between us. i believe im a little better in handling relationship now. i evolved and grow from the previous ones. at least, for now im willing to admit my mistakes and apologize.

back then, i saw some pictures of the ex-boyfriend on the internet that made me sad a little. (alright quite a lot though) it felt like im nothing close to important. it was really long since we last talked and met up briefly over coffee. but even if i was given a chance again, i will most probably avoid it. because that particular previous one is really a pain – how many tears had love made us shed?

 

想跟我吵架, 我没那麽无聊
不懂得道歉, 我没那麽聪明
好想要回到我们的原点
你又在哭泣, 我给不了安慰
我又在摇头, 有那麽点後悔
爱情的发展已难以回头却无法往前走

但身不由己出现在胸口, 两颗心能塞几个问号
爱让我们流多少眼泪.
你的眼神充满美丽带走我的心跳
你的温柔如此靠近带走我的心跳
逆转时光到一开始, 能不能给一秒

等着哪一天你也想起
那悬在记忆中的美好