An ordinary life is a crime

i took quite a long time to write this post. i thought of deleting the whole thing and rewrite but thinking further i guess i don’t have the time as i will be going on a trip real soon. for the moment, bear with this nonsense that i wrote earlier. i was browsing through photos of me on facebook and it brought me lots of overdue memories. i still remember how tough was it last year to actually plan and organize a school prom without most of the supports from school, teachers and friends. but we did made it to prom with lots of extra hard works done by the committee members. we were at one point begging others for money to support the prom (and they said they got no money, family facing economy crisis and stuffs tapi still got money to buy things from expensive shops) , to pay the expensive hotel booking, to decorate the ballroom, to prepare gifts for Prom King and Queen and also to pay the awesome band – FREQUENCY CANNON ! In the end, some people walked in on the last day of the prom to help out with decorations and stuffs and got all the credits that  doesn’t belong to them. i guess humans are all like that. but still credits to those who did most of the hard works =)

this year’s prom was different, very much different. im nothing like the Coroborre committee, theres nothing to worry about the prom. all i did was just buying the RM120 ticket and wait with much anticipation for prom. i reckon i was prepared for prom with new pink+violet long dress, make up and some hairdo. it was much much fun especially with more fun people and having all of us dressed up so well for the prom. it all started with photos session at the hotel’s lobby then in front of the grand ballroom where awful cocktails were served. we were all busy snapping photos in our best dresses and suits, running here and there for toilet rounds and observing each and everyone whom passed by us, complimenting most of their dresses, dinner bags, make ups and hairdo’s.

that night’s dinner was like any of the other wedding dinners where you have a few speeches to listen, some performances to keep you happy and awesome food to stop you from feeling famished. then Taylors was being really thoughtful that they made a SAM 2009 video and showed it to us, recalling everyone’s memories. it was all the happy moments we had shared in subang. i couldn’t help but to really feel uncomfortable at that moment. i recalled how dumb i was to stand in front of the mph on my very first day of college, knowing almost no one in there (im glad jiayuin came along with Cassie to pay me a visit), my first time going into the library, exploring the silent zone (which i spent most of my free time there studying or sleeping). everything felt like all the sam students went on a starcruise for 8 months and now we had to go down with our own produced passports (sam results which will be out before Christmas) to the destinations we were heading for before boarding 8 months ago. i have this feeling that Christmas will be here soon. in fact, thats the truth when i saw all the little decorations all over the place, radio playing various christmas songs and people rushing all over to buy the perfect gifts and their christmas dresses. im supposed to be happy that my favourite season is here but im just not for i am waiting for something as huge as 2012 to happen in my life.

at times, when i was so free, almost logging into facebook for the 100th of times, i’d missed those days when we were all so emotionally drained out, sitting and starring in front of the computer in the library due to the stressful assignments, we were all busy fitting ourselves in the library studying for our tests and exams, we were at Take A Break rushing through our lab reports, we were celebrating almost about everything just for the sake of it. we were happy, weren’t we?   

the happy times, now where ?

as usual, we are all so indulged with happy and free lifestyle that most of the time we forgot to do things that we’re supposed to. perhaps, we never forgot but there are just some reasons we gave ourselves for not doing it. we often take things and people for granted. recently, some small problems occured in my family. these problems had been there for a very long time, its just that we deny, deny and deny, and tried so hard to take his decision as a joke. a life time joke i supposed. but i, an eighteen year old girl only play a small role in the family that im not capable of doing anything or maybe change his decision. after all, i felt so disappointed with him and with everyone.

few days back, i was having a big fight with Harry. i just finished my moral edu that day. i wanted to just go home and catch up with some sleep since i had a long night before that. it was prom, mos, sleep for a few hours then classes. He insisted that he wanted to watch 2012 and followed me into the car. i got angry and started scolding him like a machine gun. he was cool, he pretended like nothing happened and just on the radio, adjusting the volume to almost maximum. i hate it when he ignores me while i was trying to tell him how annoyed i was. so, i just go on and on with my own stories while he listens to his boys like girls + taylor swift. i got more annoyed and stopped, asked him to get down from the car. after more machine gun moments, he went down. i then drove home in the midst of anger. i got more angry when the cell phone didnt ring, thinking that he just didnt care anymore. so, i went out and looked for him. i went to the place i dropped him off, and many other places we had been but to no avail. Then i found out that he left his mobile phone in my car and that was when i got worried and really worried about him. knowing that he’s just as soft as a sheep, some devils might come and get him away. my mind started to wonder about all the possible things that might just happen. I was hoping that nothing happened to him, and that the sucky history does not repeats itself. ( the one that i shed buckets of tears )

at that time, i realised he became so important in my life. i searched everywhere for him. finally, i found him at one of these places which we shared most of our happy and sweet memories. at the first glance of him from few metres away, my tears almost rolled down but it didnt. at that time, all i wanted to do is to just give him a big hug and apologize for everything i said in the car. i walked slowly, approaching him. i was slower than a tortoise. it made me felt like i have lost all my energy and used up two of my lives (like the video game) searching for him here and there. i was relieved when he walked down to me and just hugged me with a big mineral bottle in his right hand and an ice-blended latte in his left. i can probably smell his familiar scent, his sweat (nothing like calvin klien) and the tears he almost gave me. i felt nothing but – relieved. i regretted for shooting him like a machine gun, i really do. we are all fine now and still kicking like nobody’s business. i got annoyed the other day when i got to know that my close friends dislike him. but no worries, we are pretty cool about that.

i was ashamed of myself for being like a mad woman the other day. it was like those mad women you guys always see in the hypermarket, comparing prices about the products and started scolding their children loudly, making them look so unhappy and grumpy when they store some of the unhealthy food in the trolley. i was like one of the mad woman and he was like the unhappy and grumpy children. on that night itself, when everyone was asleep i thought of so many things that happened throughout this year and many years back. this year is really a tough one for me especially after enrolling myself into the express intake of sam. i dont know how but i did survived and finished it with some sort of happy and sad feelings. meeting him halfway through sam is a gift from God or perhaps i should say a really wonderful birthday gift from the coll mates who until now still deny what they did. (that was when we first started smsing and all) thinking of it, so many things had happened between us. i believe im a little better in handling relationship now. i evolved and grow from the previous ones. at least, for now im willing to admit my mistakes and apologize.

back then, i saw some pictures of the ex-boyfriend on the internet that made me sad a little. (alright quite a lot though) it felt like im nothing close to important. it was really long since we last talked and met up briefly over coffee. but even if i was given a chance again, i will most probably avoid it. because that particular previous one is really a pain – how many tears had love made us shed?

想跟我吵架, 我没那麽无聊
不懂得道歉, 我没那麽聪明
好想要回到我们的原点
你又在哭泣, 我给不了安慰
我又在摇头, 有那麽点後悔
爱情的发展已难以回头却无法往前走

但身不由己出现在胸口, 两颗心能塞几个问号
爱让我们流多少眼泪.
你的眼神充满美丽带走我的心跳
你的温柔如此靠近带走我的心跳
逆转时光到一开始, 能不能给一秒

等着哪一天你也想起
那悬在记忆中的美好

I’m supposed to go for the consultation today. That’s what I planned last night. Bt I’m Nw in the library, curling up on the table, blogging.

Out of a sudden I just don’t want to go. Or maybe because I think that its a shame to ask questions personally to the lecturer. Its so shameful bt on the other hand, it represents hardworking which I’m not. Hmmm, coming to think of it we are all brought up in this way. Nt all bt I believe most of us. We are all brought up in a way to just nod ur head, not question that much and just learn it all by ourselves. even if we don’t get it, we will at least pretend like we know it all in front of all others.

it definitely is not a healthy attitude bt most of the asians have it. It must have been the same growing up process here or maybe its inherited in the genes.

Hmmmmmm, I decided to just go home and wrap myself in my colourful stripes blanket. The consultation for chemistry planned earlier? Ahhhh, forget it. I will figure them out later or even if I don’t, only sace examiners will know. Typical asian attitude.

final paper to go

It is raining heavily outside. I’m supposed to fit in more knowledge into my brain so that I’m able to do better this time. Somehow, Im just being very lazy.

2 down, 3 to go I may say… Bt somehow there’s this something that had been bothering me ever since sunday. I tried very hard to believe that I was being unconscious on sunday night. I was looking all over my room for something, something that might or might not inspired me to do better in exams.
But after searching here and there, I know that something is never in my room anymore. It gets me to wonder, to wonder very far away from here. No one else but its him that I was thinking about. I’m sorry, I’m still thinking about him now. If not, why would I even bother blogging?

I believe I was looking for something that still belongs to us. Be it big or small, as long as its about us, as long as it still reminds me of you. Somehow, it couldn’t be found. I remembered I threw everything away unwillingly. The soft toys, the pictures, the cards and small notes, and almost every single thing except for that bear flower which is still comfortably sitting in my wardrobe. I once was very angry at both of us that I gathered all my courage to throw them away. I thought without all these things, I’m able to live happily. Somehow, I realised I was wrong. I never get to forget any of these memories as its still so fresh in my mind. It feels like yesterday. Just yesterday.

I was frustrated, angry and upset a little.
Frustrated for he never seem to care anymore, angry at myself for being so weak and upset for we never managed to hold on. Ahhhh, it feels better after telling all out. I was hurt deeply that till now I can still remember everything so clearly. these are just some unhappy moments in the past relationship. No worries, I’m happy now. Very happy. I’m in a relationship, a happy relationship I would say. I seldom find myself so happy ever since.

Its just that at times I still wish that you would be here.