Break my heart for what break yours

 

Seriously, i am already at the verge of killing myself. But i am quite lucky as I’m always surrounded by people who send out lots of positive vibes, people who couldn’t stop encouraging you every now and then :)

and sometimes after a full day of anatomy notes, even browsing through Topshop’s website makes me feel a little happier :)

Gonna pull through lots of all nighter these few weeks and the only thing that gets me through are happy jiggling Christmas songs and jayesslee and hillsong. Couldn’t wait for Christmas this year! I am really so tired that all i really need is a good few hours of sufficient sleep and a good shoulder massage. But I’m feeling that i can push myself harder than this and out of a sudden it feels like high school again.

Let’s say a prayer for everyone having exams next week. Goodluck all :)

Sometimes life gives you what you wished for many years ago a lot later. Just when you thought you wouldn’t get it, life gives you the exact same thing you wished for. 

it also plays as a reflection to yourself that certain things you wished for never change

 

1.32am tonight

 

Raining nights, stressful study week, late night dinners reminds me so much of you. If you can ever come and tell me you’re genuinely happy right now then all is forgotten and we will all move on with our heads held high.

All the small things

 

Just had macaroons. Pistachio is good. Caramel is my favorite. The rest are mehhh.

Haven’t been having enough sleep for the past week and this time it is becoming more than just tired. It does feels like a kind of tired sleep cannot fix. But everything is all good :) Last report this Thursday then semester 2 finishes. Exam awaits. As weird as it may sound, i’d really like to say that i really like this semester – good and kind people, interesting but hectic units :)

But i do have 3 different mornings this week.

Today i woke up and feel like my fingers needed exercise. Started playing on the piano and i couldn’t even remember of doing something this simple but being genuinely happy and excited. I used to do that a lot when i was young. Forced by my mum and piano teacher to practice on scales and exam songs. I didn’t know it’d be still fun to play on the piano after so long. Bliss.

2 days ago, i woke up with a smile on my face. A very lively morning completed with sweet dreams. Dreamt of meeting this really cute guy in the dream and he is helping me on something (i couldn’t remember what)! Anyway, i do know this guy in real life. This is also bliss. Instead of the usual, ‘i feel lost’ i woke up with a smile :) Bliss.

Yesterday, i woke up and feel like i haven’t shopped for the longest time ever! In fact, i recently just did but on my mum’s bill of course. Bliss. Because for the one time i don’t have to feel guilty on spending and just be genuinely happy for giving more attention to myself and i. Bliss.

3 simple things which really made my days :) Sometimes, we tend to leave out the tiny little things which makes us smile and hold onto those bigger ones who only brings us worries. Let tomorrow worry about itself and live today :)

 

 

honestly, i do miss them for all the good times we once had :)

But life goes on. Always remember to count your blessings. Never let anger comes in between anything and remember that good things come in small packages

:)

Come and learn the new me

 

When i was young, i used to beg my mum to let me go out and have fun with my friends. I’d use every quota of it and be home just before the clock strikes 7pm.

but today when I’m 20, I’m home so early on a Friday night because my friends and i couldn’t think of a cool place to hang out.

This is part of growing up.

Anyway, gonna go donate blood tomorrow. It must be a really big thing for everyone as I’m usually labelled as timid. But recently, i want to do things for people instead of myself. I want to help the needy ones, i want to lend my hand and i want other people to share my small piece of happiness and joy.

This is also part of growing up.

Today I’m jobless..

Today I’m jobless but happy :)

Officially quit enopi for good i hope :) Been wanting to do this for the longest time ever but i have been hesitating every now and then. Anyway, i finally did it! I still remember why i started enopi about a year ago but now i have actually come to an end. I love teaching, i love the kids but i guess it has been toooooo frustrating having to deal with paper work and also some of the working issues. But i am really really glad that i took up this job in the first place. I have learned so much from it and have gained a few close friends from this job. Anyway, went drinking with this new bunch of close friends last week :) They are such lovely and nice people and I’m really very glad that they open up to me fast enough :)

So i have officially quit my job and i couldn’t shop like how i did before anymore! Should make some adjustments to my life and watch my budget ! I shall stop shopping (i go weak whenever it’s Topshop, Forever21 and Diva!) and stop eating at fancy restaurants! I really regretted for buying that piece of sheer top from Topshop. Not so nice after second thought and it is really expensive. Back to enopi, i really love this job and am very glad that God has brought me to it. It gave me so much opportunities to deal with so many different issues and also helps me be more realistic and see life in a bigger picture. Anyway, it is also really sad to leave my cute students behind and it makes me feel like i have got nowhere to hang around anymore when i don’t feel like staying in uni or home.

couldn’t forget students who said all this to me :

teacherrr, you are so beautiful ! 

teacher, are you from China?

teacher, why did you wear pajamas to enopii?

teacher, i don’t want to do

teacher, your eyes are blue! 

teacher, ur earrings are so cute!

Ms. Bronwyn, i like your hair ! 

and if all else fails, i’d just go back and work in Enopi :)

But in the mean time, have to start hardcore studying. feels like the mojo is back!

xoxo.

Death chooses you

I am only using two out of so many apple products but today when i read my timeline i feel so related to this death. It feels like someone i have known for a long time passed on.

RIP Steve Jobs

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I’ve ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That’s it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: “We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?” They said: “Of course.” My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents’ savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn’t see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn’t interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn’t all romantic. I didn’t have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends’ rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn’t have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can’t capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, it’s likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn’t know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down – that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple’s current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I’m pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn’t been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don’t lose faith. I’m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. (gonna start living with this quote)

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn’t even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor’s code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you’d have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I’m fine now.

This was the closest I’ve been to facing death, and I hope it’s the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true. (and this!)

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960′s, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.” It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Such an inspiring story. I’d read it over and over again every time i feel like giving up :) You should too. We should all remember that nothing comes easy