Sometimes i wished time would stop

i am literally having this deja vu feeling again. this feeling of empty. it is 2.30 in the morning now. these few days were a bit hard for me. it somehow looks balanced on the outside with such cheerful and bright smile but on the inner side im feeling quite empty. it is almost midterm week and the atmosphere in harry’s place is very much quiet. he is working very hard for it. these few days, when he is absent, my mind has this rare pocket of time to wander quite far away. further than what i thought. sometimes i am really happy that he might be transferring to Melbourne soon while sometimes i am quite devastated and heartbroken with this OMG fact. but i never once think that i should ask him not to leave. he once told me, i am the reason why he is smiling more these days. let’s put how true is it aside, but at that time it really did touched my heart. let’s think of this Melbourne thing in a more rationale way. i am definitely somebody in his life for now but absolutely a nobody to stop him from pursuing his dream. i will never want to say stay back for me because to me this is so selfish. he once did it for me and i will never want him to lose this chance again. but thinking of the future when he is no longer one call away freaks me out. most of the times, when he is here with me, he make all the tough decisions. however, i doubt myself being in a LDR. i need my boyf to be physically present when i need. just these few days when he is quite busy, i am very much distracted by so many things – friends, some bees, work, sleeps and etc. i wonder if i am ready to be attached because most of the times im quite afraid of commitments. but that is another story for another time. At this moment, all i know is i miss him and his presence.

ultimately, i always ask myself why is it Australia again, why is it Melbourne again; this place where i have heard of it so many times and have never once been there. but this is also one of the many places which took away some of my happiness.

many years back, it was the past tense romeo. back then when i was still so in love with him, i felt so heartbroken when he sent me the last text before leaving. it was new year again and i could hardly stop myself from sobbing out loud. after so many years, i still remember the whole scene that took place while he was in the waiting hall and i was at home. i once asked him, did your family cry? he answered calmly, no, please don’t cry because i will be back again. quite long i said, just in a while for coffee again he last replied. few days before his flight, he sent a close friend of mine to me. she passed me a new concert album of Jay chou and said it was his gift for you to compensate the pain you’ve gone through. i smiled very weakly because all these things can never compensate anything. the album is very much worn out now but it still values so much to me. don’t ask me, if i still love him.

the second was waiyin, it was a bit hard to see him leave but he promised to be back 5 months later and he did kept his promises. nothing much has changed him. the last time when i saw him, he is still like how he is, still very competitive over Ds and HDs, still very much generous over bills, still very much evil with his jokes and teases, still very much of an ipoh kid in the heart. perhaps, the only thing that he has changed – fashion sense. he is skillfully dressed now.

this person who went later on was wenzhee. her pseudonym back then was mosquito but by now she has changed it to fatty. having to see wenzhee leave is a lot tougher compared to poofter (waiyin’s pseudonym we gave when we were still in sam). not having her presence is hard because she is one of my closest friends in taylors. she is also the only friend i have who actually forgotten to switch off her car lights on rainy days. we used to do lots of stalkings together. until now im still secretly stalking her by reading her blog like once a week, reading her fb statuses about swine, popiah and glass bottles of orange juice, twitter updates and once in a while talking to her through msn. she is quite stubborn as she has not download whatsapp even when i could not stop myself from bugging her. i missed her quite much especially at such situations. besides, i have never once succeed in forcing her to tell me she loves me. sigh somehow, she came back just 3 months ago for winter break. that time when i saw her, it was a bit of familiarity mixed with some other new feelings. it was still her in some ways and very much not her anymore in many different ways. the only thing that i am very sure she has changed is her alcohol tolerance level. so are you still you?

i never like people going away for a long time, because they evolve and grow too fast. most of the times, at a pace where i can no longer continue to follow.

Like the way it hurts

 

and so its been quite some time since i started the second semester, feeling less like a noobie now. i know how things actually work. its been quite perfectly organized but it sometimes make me a little more grumpy than i usually are.

recently, a very close friend of mine had a second chance in something that she has been thirsting for quite some time. okay, this description is not quite accurate now because both of them are my close friends. i think they both deserved this second chance god had given to them and from this incident, i personally witnessed true love. this second chance thing was really what i expected but maybe not for them instead for me. sometimes, i do wonder if i actually have the second chance like them too. like many years later, we met at somewhere romantic and nice then runs to each others arms. the only question is with who? with someone whom i still take him as a diamond while most of my friends think that he is a complete jerk or jackass. i really did tried every possible ways to completely wipe his existence out of my life but everytime i try to erase the history there is an alarm which alerts me not to do so. or perhaps, i really tried doing it so hard that it always fail. somethings just got to come naturally.

these two nights, we had been talking again but they both ended up as a short quarrel because we were both blaming each other on the sudden missing in action for the past two months. its feels the same because many years ago, conversations we had ended up in many many different short quarrels too. somehow we both knew that time has passed and some things are never gonna change and there is just no turning back.

Flashlight

 

after so many times of reading and rereading my previous posts, i realised i have stopped putting up most of my emotions and only gobble them down silently. this is not the best way, of course. in this bimbo blog of mine, emotional happenings have always been its core and sometimes i wonder why do people even care reading when they have got their own emotional life-like mine too or maybe even more emotional than mine. perhaps, this is where they compare their various interesting happenings to others. during the busy and heartbroken swot vacation, most of the posts were scheduled earlier. i quite hate the idea of scheduling posts days earlier because it does not really express my emotions at that time but i chose to do it as it gives me ease. short music videos, short quotes, short and weird posts – these are all me.  

if you ever think that you have the worst birthday in life, let me tell you how did mine went. from all the previous pictures that were uploaded earlier, it seems like i had a wonderful birthday with such great companions, so many birthday cakes and all the well wishes but there is always a but. on that night itself, we both broke into a fight. a big fight completed with yelling, shouting, swearing and crying. out of so many days, we did it on my birthday. out of so many free periods, we did it during the swot vacation. too many of breaking up and patching up for us, seriously. i bet no other couples could compete with us. at one turning point, all i wanted to do is to just run and continue running until i could see no one, hear no one and blame no one. to a place where i only hear my own breathe.

sometimes i blame the year of tiger for all the breaking ups stories i heard from friends and family members. it was such a silly and naive idea but when there is always a problem we, homosapiens only blame others and not ourselves. one of the worst story i heard was how a friend badmouth about this guy after the break up. this guy had seriously done a mistake where every guy including nerds, geeky and trustworthy ones would do. he cheated. in my humble point of view, i quite disagree with the badmouth story. it makes me feel like you hurt someone you’ve loved and cared so much before simply to satisfy the demon in you for the moment.  

recently i was so caught up with the real world instead of  here. maybe because i don’t want to jeopardize our relationship. this relationship where we love so much, fought so much and disappointed much more. just 10 minutes ago, i was watching this tawainese drama which makes me shed  tears every episode. perhaps, the storyline is so myself, something that i had been through and it seriously opens up my old and unsaid wounds. the broken family, the undying love – it feels like me. it actually reminds me that no matter how hard you tried to hide something, the day where there is no further ways to hide it would come. back when we were breaking up weeks ago, it somehow brought me back to my old wound. i thought i let history repeats itself again, i thought i got to shed buckets of tears again, i thought i got to lose my own dignity begging for another chance again, i thought i got to go crazy once again. except for endless crying which i thought wouldn’t happen, none of the above actually took place. maybe because i expected this long ago and am quite surprised it only comes now, maybe because all this while he was the best replacement i could find to replace past tense romeo. all these past tense romeo old love stories were boxed up bits by bits, pieces by pieces throughout these years. and now i named it, pandora box.all these while, i believed in the best of both worlds, the short and simple text messages from time to time, the bday msg, the confession story. sometimes if you were to ask me, im willing to give up everything i have now just for a few seconds of happiness. im learning how to stop myself from opening the box now but at the same time unlearn how to still keep past tense romeo as something.  

for now, we patched up again. no, not past-tense romeo.

Post it 5

 

i never thought that i did managed to stay up late tonight. despite the fact that i was awake till 5 last night. maybe because the conversations i had with past romeo were quite hard to fully understand and comprehend. i am feeling quite disappointed with myself over all the last minute studying and at this time of the day i am disturbed by the giggling voice of my brother and his friends. the bigger possibility of me still staying awake is because i am still waiting less patiently now for the past romeo. looking at the clock, he’s 4 hours late by now. i wasn’t all surprised with the 4 hours, to me it seems like nothing at all because these were just the daily routine in the past. after all, i was only surrounded with empty anticipations and imaginations.

im a little drunk and i need you now – lady antebellum, need you now