Life After You

Hi, this will be the hardest story i ever told but i will just do it because i know this is one of the many posts that each and everyone of you want to read. hi once again, for the past few weeks i had been going through a whirlwind of turbulent emotions from both educational wise and also relationship. To be true, it wasn’t only the past few weeks but its been 3 almost to 4 months. I have gone through the toughest 3 months i ever had and its only filled with very very upsetting moments. At one time, i realised not much words could express how i was actually feeling. All the helpless moments i had and all the attention i needed, no one can truly understand them. At that time, i really thought that i would die. Not die physically but mentally. I never thought of suicidal but I was living in too much of depression and i couldn’t help but to be so pessimist. The only thing i did was cry, study, eat and cry, study,eat and cry, study,eat and cry, study,eat X 10000000000 times. This was the routine until that two weeks of study break i had. That was the time when i started to feel better with friends company. That was the time when i finally learn how to smile again. I realised i did not lose anything important in my life but just someone who never truly loves me.

After so much of time, i realised everything started with just love at first sight. It all started with that first glance while i was pushing the library door and he pushed the other to go in. That time he never really caught my attention until the second time i saw him when he was standing at the library’s pathway. I never really thought of getting to know him and i thought it was just a small crush like the others. But look at 1.5 years later, we actually hurt each other so much. So much. In fact, too much that we are now left with nothing but a deep scar. I guess we got together too fast but at that time everything happens as if it was meant to be. At that time, i never really thought of us going out as friends for a very long time. Us going out as friends and only friends kill me and him. We both long for the presence of the opposite party. Everyday he dropped by the library’s quiet zone for a few minutes before his 8am classes. Just to see what i wear and to compliment me. Sometimes, he only wanted to see how cheerful my smile was. That feww minutes mean so much to me.

It started when i asked

do you like me?

he replied. yes.

as a friend?

more than that.

he gave me a big bear hug and the rest was history.

We both thought that we really really like each other and soon enough the like changed into love. We really love each other and we thought that this would be sufficient for us to go through all kinds of obstacles. We thought loving each other very much is sufficient to maintain the relationship in the long run. To us, efforts ? NAH ! We thought loving each other so much would last us a lifetime, would give us a good and forever relationship. But this is just not true. Liking and loving each other so much brings us closer and very much closer but there are just too many factors that pull us apart. Each time we fight, we gave each other that cold shoulder and make up and just feel as happy as before. But somehow we just got to fight more and more as days passed by. Studying in monash changed me, he said. But there are just too many other distractions, i started to doubt about us and the workload i had is crazy, i said.

I agree because i realised studying in monash really changed me. Sometimes i got so irrational that i don’t think i know what i am getting myself into. In a way, i just don’t recognize myself anymore. Eg. going over to a friends house at 2 in the morning for movies and came back 4 hours after that. I never thought of how dangerous that would be. I never thought of how trustworthy that friend is. For now, after so long, after so much of tears, I admit i changed but admitting them now is not just 25 minutes too late. I guess i was late for too many things. I was very much late for the patch up, i was late to realise all the mistakes and i was late just for everything. The biggest mistakes of mine – i only see myself in this relationship. No one else but myself. I was too self-centered. But today and for other days to come, i will prepare myself to just let go slowly. If its yours, it will definitely come back rolling to you. If it isn’t? Someone else would step in sooner or later.

Today when its already 4 months later, i surfaced myself from the dark and gloomy days. I am still very much upset over losing someone so close to me. I am still very much in love with the same person. But life goes on. Hence, I brushed off the dirt on my knees, wiped out the tears on my face, stood up at where i fell, had my head held up high and just continue moving on in my life. I am someone with a million of happy and sad memories that i no longer have to be fear of what lies ahead because i have gone through so much in life. Countless times of break ups, countless times of failure in studies and just an incomplete family. What else do i really still have to go through? I guess i am already at the most bottom layer of this whole core and one day i will surface up even more and enjoy every good things in life. From this relationship, i learned that never set requirements because one day all these requirements turned into pots of ashes and all high hopes turned into bigger disappointments. I never thought of there would be a day of us not being together. Really, this isn’t in my plan and simply out of my control.

People always say you learn new things from every failed relationship but this doesn’t apply to me. In every relationship, i only go through the same heartbreaking process and cry the shit out of me. But from so many imperfections i finally got to know what i want in life. So, what do i want in life? What do i really want in life? I think i only want someone who keeps his promises especially when he promised to love me always and just be there for me no matter what happens. Simply just someone who would not use words to hurt me. This relationship taught me so much in the same way like others did and very much of some other new things. It helps me search for my lost soul and to search for everything i really really wanted. Most important, i know fairytale is just another fiction story. That ”lived happily ever after” does not exist or maybe it comes from lots and lots of efforts and hard work.

Aftermath of everything is im just very much happier than who i was. All in all, i only lose someone who never truly loves me while i got to know that i have every other people in the world who loves me so much. Family and friends. I just feel so much loved when my grandma called me 10 minutes ago. She just got to know we are no longer together and told me to be strong. The truth is my tears rolled down when i heard what she said. So much of love and i really needed them. Tears not because im upset but i couldn’t expressed how her simple words touched my heart.

The purpose of this whole thing is to tell everyone that i have surfaced up. Thanks everyone for all the patience and love, care and just more love. But i will have to stop talking about this online because i realised every word i wrote hurt people around me unintentionally. At the same time, it hurts me too. Everything boxed up in a pandora box and let’s just not open it again.

For now, i am very much happier than who i was 3 months back and i am very much fatter compared to before I am sure he is very much happier without me too. After all, we are just back to being ourselves. He is back to being his segamat boy while I’m back to my city girl.

I took the risk, lost my pride and end up with nothing.

But still no regrets.

This is the way you left me.
I’m not pretending
No hope, no love, no glory
No happy ending

This is the way that we love
Like its forever
Then live the rest of our life
But not together

Life as i know it – hard

Hi, i just got to admit that this place has been missing out on its own cheerful and bright side but that’s just how i am feeling lately and i told myself not to lie.

but i guess i will just do a semester wrap up for the moment. Finals in two weeks time and i will be finally done with year one. Year one – its been long, really long.

Along the way, i found a bunch of awesome friends who couldn’t stop making me laugh and they couldn’t stop themselves from being lame. Somehow, its also them that makes me feel i belong to monash; they are the one who makes me feel comfortable despite seeing thousands of new faces in monash. I am glad that they welcomed me to join them

But at the same time, God took my one and only love of my life away. It hurts and until today it still hurts. I guess everyone wanted to know about me dealing with this break up. This time i have no idea how. I shall just give gracious thanks to everyone of you who took the time and effort to ask me but seriously be it the 10th times or the 100th times or even the 1000th times, i will just nod, smile and said im okay. But sometimes when friends asked how am i, i felt so helpless and murmured sorry in the end. I don’t know the reason behind sorry. Was the sorry for them or for myself? Most of the times, i think its for myself because i never thought of messing up my life.

In fact, i just got to admit that i am not okay. Its been a habit of having him around for too long and for now i just lost track of myself. For the first time in my life, driving back from uni is so hard. The road i took never seem to end and each time i drive home, i actually forgot to switch on the radio and gave that ample time to myself to think. I barely could concentrate on anything lately. Sometimes i sit in the lecture hall, looking at the lecture slides but my mind just slipped off to somewhere else. Sometimes i just couldn’t fall asleep at night and most of the times those sleepless nights were completed with buckets of tears.  This new phase is sick, even im so sick of myself but i couldn’t find myself back. Maybe because i craved too much to reach for my phone and dial that number, i craved too much to text lets go curve or i wanna watch eat.pray.love. After all, in the end i only met silence and nothing else.

But trust me, im really really trying hard to deal with this. This new pace is just hard. Its been a bliss not logging into fb for quite some time. Yes, am avoiding the reality but at the same time it makes me feel a little happy to stalk no more and im quite sick with this social networking at the moment. It feels like it is turning into an online market. Deactivating it still on hold tho.

Throughout this whole phase, mummy has been very supportive. I have been home late for a number of days and each time i got home i see something new nicely placed on my table.  Sometimes its just toiletries, some nail lacquers, make up stuffs, roll on eyebags (wtf), sweets, clothes and yesterday’s was a purple shower cap and hydrating masks. She was angry at me due to the absence from the vegetarian dinner which i suggested. She has not seen me for a few days. I am somehow avoiding the new occupants in my family but at the same time avoiding her and her questions. On the other hand, I just couldn’t thank her enough for trying to make me feel better but i guess for now all i need is just me time and i mean lots and lots of time.

Maybe i just need lots and lots of angry bird games. Back to books.

emotional bitch

weekends without you are awful

In the middle of no where

I think I just shouldn’t sleep so early at night then I wouldn’t be awake in the middle of the night feeling so shitty. Then images of him wouldn’t flashback in my mind. I shall just keep reminding myself that he doesn’t care and he is no longer there. He is no longer there for me whenever I need him especially in the middle of the night. In the middle of the night when I suddenly thought of him.

Post it 9 – imsorry

im sorry, i thought the 1000 words in the previous post could ease my pain and i thought that would be the only emotional post but this time i overestimated myself.

Thanks everyone for all the kind and lovely comments (mostly in text messages or maybe wenzhee in twitter) from the previous post. I appreciate every of them and im letting time heal.

Somehow, please forgive me because i forgot to thank one of my bbm contact. He is somehow there for me throughout this whole mess. Despite all the harsh comments my friends had on him, i just couldnt thank him enough. Okay, maybe not he is just trying to make me look funny. But i dont care, the best thing is that tub of greentea ice-cream.

I also have to thank a close friend of mine. She just texted me few hours ago and i just couldn’t express how much i agree with her on certain issues. Just the timing is too late. Everything is too late for now.

Besides, im grateful that this relationship isn’t on facebook. i don’t have to receive any blessings from my friends and disappoint them in the end, i do not have to face all the ”whys” when my status changed from being in a relationship to being single. most of all, i do not have to receive hugs and kisses from each and everyone of you. don’t get me wrong, im happy that you guys are being so generous with your amount of hugs and kisses but some times i wonder, how many of you really do meant the hugs and kisses? I am not checking facebook that much anymore because im afraid that all the new notifications has his name on it. It will definitely hurt me.

I just got to say things are still pretty hard, most of the times i fall asleep crying, most of the times i fall asleep with my hands holding tight to both my phones, waiting for it to beep (it did beep just not from the person i want), most of the times i feel shitty, most of the times i only want to lie in bed all day, most of the times i want to spend every cent i have , most of the times i cry when i shower and most of the other times, i woke up thinking that today is a good day but just in awhile something will remind me that i recently broke up with my 1.3 years boyf. and at some other times like last few nights, i dreamt that we patched up and am being very happy.

and no im not happy now. the worst of this whole mess is having to act like im all good and happy in front of my mum. She was so worried the other day and im pretty sure she is still very worried of me. Last saturday, to ease my pain she brought me out to shop and bought everything that she thought i like. I guess the best part of this whole mess is to have the right to buy every single thing i want and not get any nagging from her. Next would be losing weight without having to stop eating your favourite food or having to spend a buck. I have lose much more weight. I might look the same but that day when i stepped onto the weighing machine, it gave me a shock. So now, im underweight to donate blood.

tonight i wanted to dial that familiar number so much but im too afraid of being rejected again and again.

sigh. i wish time heals.

The Only Exception

im currently at a coffee bean and am slowly sipping on matcha greentea, somehow this scene reminds me so much of harry. that was our favourite drink in coffee bean or maybe just my favourite drink because most of the time im the one who order, he pays at the counter and i get to drink it first then i held out the drink to him. but this time and for all the other times to come, i will be ordering it, paying it and also drinking it alone. the above scene was written on thursday afternoon at coffee bean. anyway, this is the only coffee bean i go, so now you know where to get me if my class finishes early.

at this hour, i finally have the courage to write this mess in public. for all the previous times, i tried drafting them but just halfway through it i will be very heartbroken and i could not stop myself from crying. this time i know i need to do this. the short of this whole mess is harry and i broke up a month ago. i think i can see everyone of you dropping your jaws now. this post is a surprise to all of you; a surprise to those who knew what happened because this post is actually 1 month late and a surprise to those who know nothing about it. i decided to write it later because i want it to end perfectly, i don’t want to be bias on who is right and wrong, i don’t want my emotions to get control of me about what had happened and most of all there is this slight hope in me that still thinks that the decision is not final yet till that wednesday. i think i have never been so brave in my life. i went over to his place and waited for 3.5 hours just to see and talk to him for 10 minutes. when i was on the way to his house, i told myself that this will be the last time and im gonna give it all in. i lose my dignity, i begged for a chance, i cried like nobody’s business (yes, in front of everyone), i begged the landlord to open the door for me but all i got from him was go home, go back and in the end a phone call to my mum. but its also on the same day when i realised, theres nothing i could do anymore. its that day that slapped me awake. ahh, yes she finally knew what happened that day because her daughter was in front of someone’s house and refused to go home. that call gave her the biggest shock in her life but i should just give gracious thanks to harry because he made it so much easier for me when he decided to break the news to my mum. if he didn’t, i think i will still have to wait and just continue waiting and just keep waiting and waiting and just more waiting. i skipped all the scolding scenes and my mum was more emotional than i thought she will be. she was crying with me at the living room and like what i expected she gave me long lectures on love. at the end of the long lecture, she asked me,

what do you want me, your bro and uncle to do so that you can let this relationship go?

shopping

(giggling voice of bro, mum and uncle can be heard)

mum replied, i can let you go shop all you want, get every single dress,bag, shoes and etc but this happiness only last for a few hours. what are you gonna do after shopping? after the few hours?

i sobbed even louder because i know i have to face the reality to walk out of this dark shadow. this break up is making me feel like there is always a cloud with thunderstorm on top of me, and whenever i cry, thats when it starts raining on me.

so, what happened?

seriously, what the hell happened?

this question is so confusing and this is also the reason why i decided to write it out so that you guys would know about what happened and that saves my time. i won’t be having thousands of you asking me about what happened and in the end it only makes me feel more devastated and heartbroken. i guess, i can only say that we both changed or in his opinion i have never been the same person compared to who i was when i was studying in taylors, we were sick and tired of everything and most of all, we lose to time and egoistic. i just got to admit that i never see this mess coming, if few months ago, i would say yes because at that time we were both fighting over the slightest thing on earth. surprisingly, we have gone through that but just not this time. i just got to admit that most of it were my mistakes and i never realised them until i finally sit down and think and realised harry has been there for me throughout all these emotional breakdowns due to workload stress. i was the one who decided to choose freedom over this wonderful relationship.

harry is the best boyfriend i ever had; smart, good looking, patience, caring, adorable, sometimes ugly, sometimes cina ah pek, very hilarious and tolerates me like crazy ever since 1.3 years ago. the more i think of how wonderful he is, the more i feel the pain because if i wasn’t so emotional, if i was very much stronger for him, for us, we would have go through this mess again and still be perfectly fine. but no worries, today im much calmer now and i can finally accept the fact that we broke up.

adorable, ain’t he?

i still love him very much and i will love him as always. i used to think that all i want from him is the familiarity and comfort love until this break up i realised i love him for who he is and i love him for how he has treated me. all this while, i thought i could not get over past tense romeo for some weird reasons. its true, his names had been carved somewhere in me but that’s just the past that i chose not to let go and simply hold onto it because i thought i am still 15 and just 15. but today, im very sure that the one i love most is harry and there are just so many ways to love someone. i wouldn’t ask for patching up again because i want him to be happy. seeing the one you love being happy is a form of love too. i do not know if he cares, but i want him to read this post and know the existence of this blog. wenzhee or hweemien, you guys should help me with this alright? (urrmm, maybe do it privately and not on fb wall ahh!)

im sorry for all the things that i have done and i never hated you like all the countless i hate yous i said to you. yes, not even after all those harsh words you gave me. i know we did the right thing when i see you being so happy all i wanted to do now is to just seek for your forgiveness.

the hardest part of this break up is to break the news to our friends and family i supposed. we were so in love, who the hell would thought that we did ever come to this ending? but for now, im just so tired of hiding it from everyone. im just gonna say it to anyone of you who dare to ask me straight in my face. take my words.

Thanks for everything, thanks for the wonderful 1.3 years you gave me and your name is seriously engraved somewhere in my heart.

Pre-Valentines

CNY this year isn’t fun as it actually took away my first valentines with Harry. *sad face* But that doesn’t gives him an excuse to not celebrate. So, we did it earlier but in a very much spontaneous way.

Remember this?

on new year’s eve when we were walking along the streets from pudu to the lrt station, i saw shops that sell beautiful roses which comes in red, pink, blue and even purple. i held his hand and pointed him to them. he smiled and asked u really want to hold roses now? i frowned, pouted and said next time

I never thought that the next time is so soon. We were both very carried away by the tv show on astro and suddenly Harry asked me to go get his lanterns for him in my car. I was very relunctant to do it and mumbled alot, threw big pillows at him, showed my wushudao double fist at him, inserts lots of protests like hot,lazy and im the boss, asked him to wait till evening and bla bla bla. In the end, he said no. So, me being a very nice and cute girlfriend went to my car to get the lanterns he said he bought my mum. But in the end, i saw a very nice bouquet of roses lying on my back seat. Harry was actually peeping at me from my house window ! How cute !

I’ve always wanted flowers or to be exact roses as a gift but i’ve never gotten real flowers (those that wilt and die in a few days time) except for the bear flowers with fake roses and real red roses i received last year from someone whom i adore very little. I was quite happy with last year’s valentines celebration but i only looked happy outside because inner part of me only feels guilty. So, this year’s Pre-Valentines is very much more fun and meaningful.

and … i finally got a bouquet of roses.

Harry bought me 9 stalks and they were wrapped in a very tradisional way. I wanted nicer ones but he’s never fashionable hence his choice ! I still love it very much ! According to him, 9 stalks has a special meaning — being together as long as we live. (i know, i also cannot tahan he’s so sweet and thoughtful this time) So, next time i must ask him to buy me 999999 right ?

Later on, he bought me a very nice necklace from this brand that i absolutely adore. Wait, i bought him a nice gift too. But for the next celebration, im going to give him sentimental gifts like scrap books filled with our pictures or maybe a digital photo frame. you know which? those that allows you to plug in ur thumb drive and play the images one by one. He rented a very nice room recently and i found a perfect place for that gift. <3

very excited with the flowers

and

us !

if you would ask me describe one thing that i don’t like about Harry, it would definitely be his not fashionable fashion style. He’s someone very simple and would always prefer to just go out in shorts than jeanns.

its only 8th and im talking about valentines? wtf. Nevertheless, i had a great pre-valentines day we end the day by having japanese food! it was just so nice to have Harry with me for a short while. we did nothing interesting except for staying at home watching american idol and glee, played with puppies at the dpc pet shop, cny shopping with my family, eat our favourite or jien and helping my bro with his valentines gift. He has got peer pressure from Harry. HAHAHAHH

Anyhow, have a great valentines day all !

i always heard people saying this if you guys were happy being together,you can celebrate valentines everyday not just on the 14th.