With my legs all wrapped up in blanket comfortably and that ‘Rhythm of love’ song playing in the background, i find myself wrapping up my own summer holidays. This summer holidays and the beginning of the year which felt so fleeting yet eventful.
So that long summer holidays approximately of 3 nearly to 4 months is finally ending this sunday.
A part of me wants to shout out IM READY so loudly. I am ready for upcoming challenges that lies ahead ! I am so bored of this long holidays that im so ready to go back to my ol’ hectic life and im so ready to go back to my piles of assignments, tutorials and all those sleepless nights completed with breakouts everywhere on my face. But there is also this part of me who fears of going back to the reality. This time around i will continue my work at the tuition centre, sstudies full time in monash and also juggle all the in betweens. I must admit this must be one of the toughest decisions i made because i am no A-star student and having to juggle more issues now is definitely new and is gonna be tougher.
At the same time, i don’t want myself to turn out being nothing but a student who only scores well in exam. Other than that, she knows nothing. I feel pathetic. Studies is important but i guess building and moulding into a responsible person is more important. It outcasted all that distinctions. Because trust me, someone who has all the distinctions on her transcript may have done something very wrong in her life too. And i just want to try doing things in the hard way.
Yes, I am just trying to be defensive. Aiya cause im the one who wanted this job 3 months ago, i wouldn’t want to stop working now and leave everyone at the centre hanging at the ceiling half dead. Contrary to my belief that kids screaming and crying are annoying, sometimes i secretly love working with them. After a very long and emotional day, sometimes their smiles or just one word from them melts all your problems and worries away. They are such adorable and straightforward little creatures that they tell you things straight to the point.
Me likey you. Me no likey you.
Just the way I like it, no mind guessing games. However, if things get out of hand, i will quit.
Because at the end of the day, i am still very kiasu over grades and people.
As much as i love holidays, i am glad this ending is making its own way here. This short yet long summer holidays has given me sufficient amount of time to do everything that i wanted, to take all the chances laid out for me and to make and change all my decisions. It is long enough to let me sleep in for 12 hours a day, to let me laze around at home and do nothing, to let me catch up with some important people in my life, to give me more time to heal from old issues and maybe glued back a few of the broken pieces of my heart, to let me curl my hair and absolutely loving it till now, to give me ample of time to ponder about mistakes i’ve done, to give me so much time bubbling with friends, to give me time to cry alone at night after trying to be stronger, to let me learn about working experiences again (this time to a whole new level of working experiences) and just do so much things that i have always wanted to do.
and you just have to agree that i look better with curls.
That day when i met up with my cousins, they couldn’t stop asking me about my past relationship. all i gave them was the past is the past and it shall remain unspoken but they couldn’t help but to pour out so much emotions and comments. in their eyes, im never commited into the relationship and at this point of the time i guess i really have to admit. besides, they brought out how shy we were to hug each other publicly after being together for quite some time. so i said, we were just too shy to do that in public however we were still tenderly in love with each other from afar. they also commented on how i never put a picture of us in my purse and now that when i finally did, that same picture just does not represents that same meaning anymore. this is how ironic life can be.
Everyone thinks this whole thing only involves one party. In layman’s term, it is just one person clapping his own hands, one person trying to hold this piece of love, one person running for a 4x400m race, one person trying to watch a movie and sing at the same time, one person trying to take up responsibilities and just that one person trying to work things out and save this world. This fact got me to ponder for awhile (to be exact, more than awhile actually) and the conclusion is no matter what they say/he says/everyone says i still love this man. love to the extent of keeping this love in my heart and still continue moving on in my life. all im left now is just memories which are still so strong and prominent that at times i wish can just selectively pick those i want to remember and chunk the rest out.
Perhaps i just never learn how to treat someone right. i would say, i’d trade anything i have now for a second chance to make things right again but that lies in the future and all the future has is nothing but uncertainties for everyone of us. and at this very particular moment, i hope there would be this one person in his life to treat him the way he deserves, to treat him the right way like i never did.
As i move on, some people expressed to me how disappointed they were when they found out i deactivated my facebook acccount. I smiled and played it cool. I have the right (at least) to do what i want and this is what i want. This isn’t a decision i made at a whim. I’ve been thinking about it throughout so many months but in the end i decided to just put my social networking aside. It isn’t something i do at a snap of my fingers because i realised i have to give up a big part of my social life with friends. But i have to admit that im so much happier without having to worry about some other people’s life, status and pictures. The one and only goal in my life now is being happy.
Sometimes i find it funny how every woman has to relate their happiness to man/men and vice versa. The truth is can we all (women) live without men for quite a bit or can men even live without women and all our complications? Will the world eventually becomes a better place for us?
I doubt.
As much as we hope our problems are not related to the other party, there is this part of us which hopes for the opposite.
The most expensive lesson i ever had during this few months is to love myself. I guess you just have to start falling in love again after a full stretch of heartbroken dramas and the best way to start is by loving yourself 
I believe i have started well and at this point i thank myself for everything and i thank myself for being there for myself. This sounds a little confusing but all in all i love myself.
Regarding about getting an ink on my body, as much as i hate to say this but i guess i will have to wait first. Yes, learning to be wise. If 2 years later, i still have that passion to get inked, i definitely will. But at this age of nearly 20 when i barely lived getting a tattoo might be too uncertain for me and that tattoo i get must be able to tell stories. For now, all i had in mine is a tattoo which is related to men and it explains nothing for myself.
I appreciate everything that happened this summer and i’ve learned so much in my life.
But it has all come to an end.
The sun may not sets over here for us but in my heart, i could no longer feel that summer heat on my cheeks and long ago i have already smell the sweet scent of spring.
Goodbye summer.
Welcome back, monash!
